Epiphanies usually seem to happen at very mundane times. My most recent one happened to be this morning, in my pajamas, cleaning my home office. It was a very non-thrilling moment, I wasn’t doing any deep soul work or even reading any personal development. I was letting my mind wander as I cleaned and it hit me: I have no idea anymore what I want my life to look like.
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Everything that I thought I wanted, that I thought I would have, that I planned to happen (at least, in the way I wanted them to, at the timing I wanted them to) isn’t going to happen, and now, where I’m standing today – I have no idea what I want my life to look like.
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To give you a little background: I am a Type-A, motivated, determined, girl with a plan. All the time. I have lists, lists for my lists, color coded emails and calendars. I always have a plan. A.L.W.A.Y.S. Which is why, when I realized this today at 29.7 years old after years and years of thinking I had everything all planned out…realizing this kind of felt like a frying pan to the face.
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So, when this hit me, I was terrified. Mortified, even, because I had always prided myself on having a plan, a good, secure, happy plan that other people were proud of, too. (Not that we should make our life choices for anyone else, but I felt good that my plan made other people happy and proud, too. The “people pleaser” blog post will be coming out soon haha). For so long, I’ve had a plan. And I’ve done everything that I could to make that plan happen, even tried forcing things to work out the way that I wanted them to, to which the Universe raised an eyebrow at me as it had other plans. In doing that I became a lost-feeling, tangled mess from being screwed over, stepped on, and taken advantage of in my pursuit of making “the plan” work.
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The beauty of nothing working out the way you planned, is that once you realize that’s what happened, and you come to terms with the fact that IT’S OKAY to not be in 100% control of your life (control freak over here, too…I’ve been working on a LOT the last ten months, this included), you open yourself up for what God and the Universe has planned for you. Which, by the way, is INFINITELY more incredible than you could ever imagine! THAT is where the magic is – not inside the small box that I (and I’m sure some of you!) have tried to fit my life.
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Even though I know in my heart the truth of what I just said, this morning in my frying pan moment of “well, if it’s not going to be ___, then I have no idea what I want” I was scared out of my mind. For the girl who has always had a plan, that’s fucking scary! And it’s OKAY to be scared! If you’ve ever been here, or if you ever get here, breathe and remind yourself it’s okay to be scared of big, unknown, scary change. It’s normal to feel that way! Plus, you’ll come to find that fear doesn’t always have to be a bad thing.
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So, at first, I had no idea where to start trying to revamp my life. Because, of course, my first thought was “well, I just need a new plan!”.
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No. Stop, just stop.
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There I went again trying to plan it all. If I’ve realized anything over the last ten months, since I took a leap and invested in myself to start to move through, and clear out, all the blocks holding me back (and so much more but, again, that journey is for another post) it’s that you have to be open, without judgement, for whatever comes to you. There are experiences and opportunities out there that I can’t even imagine or comprehend right now – that’s incredible to realize!
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When we try to over-plan or micromanage our futures, that’s where we close ourselves off from receiving! From opportunities! From a life more amazing than we could ever imagine! Narrowing our vision only serves to take away our ability to see what might be out there in left field for us: an incredible experience, or a job you never knew existed, maybe a new hobby to bring you immense joy, or the dream boat of a hubs or wifey you’ve been wishing for your whole life, or your next best friend who gets you like no one ever has, or a new place to live you never considered…basically, anything. Beyond your blinders is where your dream life is!
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So many of us have bought into what we’re “supposed” to do. “The Plan”: college, job/career, marriage, kids, retirement…in that order. You pick something you hopefully like, (maybe love if you’re lucky), you stick with it until you retire and maybe get to enjoy your life THEN. You find someone to like most of the time and have some kids with, yay. It’s almost as if we expect just the bare minimum of happiness, if even that, instead of opening ourselves up to the possibility of living a life that we LOVE with every fiber of our being! For many of us, this (or whatever life we have subscribed to thus far) isn’t what we’re cut out for.
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And hey, maybe for you that route HAS brought you so much joy and love and you wouldn’t change it for anything. AMAZING! I’m so happy for you! Because it’s going to look different for every single one of us here, and if you’ve found it and you’re living it and loving your life I’m hugging you in joy from here because all that I want for my fellow humans on this journey is a life full of love, joy, and whatever feelings that you want to embody daily along the way!
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What I’m finding, though, is that SO many people that I talk to are feeling much the same way as me…and right now, that is who I’m talking to. You, who maybe has realized that the life you’re living isn’t really what you want. You, who wants MORE and feels guilty for it. Whether what you feel called to do is a complete life shift to quit your job, sell your belongings, and go live as a nomad in Iceland, or just to start a new hobby that makes you happy, or any and everything in between – follow your heart, listen to your gut, and do what makes YOU happy and what YOU need to do!
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You don’t need permission to change your life, in a big or small way. To start over. To grow and change and make different choices. Even if it scares you. Even if it scares those AROUND you! (Which, it will…trust me! You’ve gotta be stronger than their opinions and stand in your truth if you truly want to change, because it ain’t easy!) You don’t need to feel guilty for wanting MORE or DIFFERENT or NEW!
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You don’t need permission, but if you want someone to tell you it’s okay, here you go: It’s O.K.A.Y. Be you, the Universe gives you permission! Because YOU are the only YOU that there will ever be, and the world needs you to do what you love, follow your passion, tap into your gifts and live your life as your most authentic self possible.
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I’m coming up quickly on 30 years on this planet, and have spent most of them subscribing to the idea that if I don’t do and have XY and Z I’ve somehow failed as a “real person”/”adult”/whatever. I’m finally realizing myself that it’s okay if those things I used to pursue just are not right for me, and there’s nothing wrong with me to want/need/crave/be/make something different for myself.
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So, while in this moment I may not know what I want exactly, and I may feel a little wobbly on these new life legs of mine, I know in my heart that that’s okay! GOOD, even! Because God can do a LOT with this blank slate I just gave Him of myself. I’m open to possibilities, open to change, and no longer trying to fit my existence into that little box.
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If any of this resonates with you…I’d love to hear from you. I’m always here to chat, and love meeting, helping, and getting to know new people ❤️ & please feel free to share this if you feel called!
Upleveling Unapologetically 